The number of deaths that have occurred during the Covid-19 pandemic has been heartbreaking. Many children have lost someone to Covid-19, whether it be a family member, friend, a neighbor, or someone in the community. For other children, this may be something they are hearing about in the news or from those around them. Whether a child lost someone to Covid-19 or from any other cause, many parents decide not to discuss the death due to fear of their child’s reaction.

However, by talking to your child about death and loss in a developmentally appropriate way, you are giving your child an opportunity to receive needed information, express and understand their own emotions, better cope with future crises, and positively remember the deceased.

1. Be Honest

Before we get into the actual discussion of death, it is important to be honest with your children if their loved one is not doing well in the hospital or at home. Instead of dismissing the topic, let your child know that his or her loved is getting sicker and help your child find ways to say goodbye.

Video chatting, a virtual meeting with other family members, voice calls, voice recordings, sending videos, songs and/or pictures, and making cards – are all great ways for your child to express his or her feelings for the loved one.

It may be helpful to read my post ‘Helping your child cope with separation during Covid’, to first help your child cope with the physical separation from someone who is sick and/or quarantining during the pandemic.

2. They were Not Alone

If your child was not able to see his loved one in the hospital and if there were restrictions on visitor policy, your child may be concerned whether or not the loved one had someone by their side at the time of their passing. Remind your child that their loved one was not alone and there was a team of people helping the loved one feel more comfortable.

3. Meet Your Children Where They Are Developmentally

Trying to understand how to best help your child cope with loss requires knowing where he or she is developmentally.

For example, toddlers will not understand death but they may sense that mom and dad are upset and may even long for mom’s comfort if physical separation has occurred. With toddlers, it is important to recognize your own response to death as well as your own needs, seeking help if need be. Providing physical comfort to your toddler and avoiding prolonged separation will help your toddler feel more secure during this time.

With preschoolers, their concept of death is that it is temporary and that the deceased will come back. Preschoolers are concrete thinkers so saying something like “grandma has gone to sleep” or “grandma has passed away” will lead them to think that grandma will come back or simply wake up. This can also cause a preschooler to develop a fear of going to sleep. To help your little one cope better with understanding the concept of death, avoid using euphemisms and be comfortable using the terms ‘death’ and/or ‘dying’.

Young children may not always be able to verbalize expressions of fear or hurt, however these emotions may come out during play, the universal language of all children. During play time, if you see your child becoming emotional or aggressive, try to address these feelings in a safe space by asking why the ‘toys’ are upset and what you can do to help.

School-aged children can better grasp the concept of death as something permanent. Being honest and using simple yet developmentally appropriate language to help answer their questions is key to preventing any traumatizing reaction. Allow your child with many opportunities to talk about his or her feelings. School-aged children may start to worry about other loves ones dying as well, especially their parents. It is important to remind your child that not everyone who gets sick from Covid-19 will die. Reassure them that we have expert doctors who tell us exactly how to take safe precautions (ie. socially distancing, wearing masks, following proper hand hygiene) to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. Scientists have also created special vaccines to help reduce the chances of people getting sick from Covid-19.

It is also important to maintain a consistent routine with your school-aged child as much as possible during this time, since normalcy and predictability provides comfort. If there are any changes to the routine, inform your child beforehand to help them know what to expect, “Mom won’t be able to pick you up from school this week because she will be at Grandma’s house, but Uncle Joe will pick you up”.

4. Respect their Response

Every child reacts differently to hearing about a loved one’s death – some may not have an immediate reaction or may appear unbothered. Some children may even divert their attention away from the topic by playing and having fun as a means of distraction. That is okay too! This is a healthy coping mechanism. Allowing your children to temporarily distract themselves should not be viewed as something disrespectful but rather a normal part of the grieving process. Be present for your child regardless of how they respond and continue to be available when they need to talk.

5. Funeral Planning

Involve your child in the funeral process as you see fit. Give your child a specific role such as reciting a prayer, a poem or just saying a few short words for the deceased loved one. By giving your child a meaningful role, this can help them get through an otherwise tough situation. Let your child know that these services are a way to value and honor the person who has died.

It is important to talk to your child beforehand about what to expect during the funeral – ie. “A lot of people who were close to Grandma will be hugging and crying. People may come up to us and say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’. We can respond to them by saying ‘Thank you for coming’.” Preparing your child beforehand will help them better know what to expect and cause less distress during the event itself.

Give your child choices whenever possible to help them better cope with this unfamiliar event – ‘when we go to Grandma’s funeral do you want to hold my hand or Daddy’s? Do you want to hold on to your favorite toy or leave it in the car?”. Whether your child wants to have a active role in the funeral or not, you can still encourage your child to remain involved in commemorating the deceased loved one in other ways – such as donating on their behalf, planting a flower/tree, writing a poem or cherishing their valued possessions.

6. Share Good Memories

Focusing on the good memories left behind by the loved one is a way to show your child that their loved one will always be remembered and valued. Although this person has physically left us, their memories live on. Sharing good memories also helps your child stay positive when remembering the loved one, especially when this person’s name is mentioned.

If there was a special item that belonged to the loved one, it may be helpful to give it to your child to hold on to,  letting them know to keep it close to them when they are missing their loved one as another way to show that certain things will remain forever.

Memory sharing or just simply talking about the deceased reminds your child that this topic is not taboo or discouraged to talk about. Talking about your own emotions will help your child realize that they are not alone in feeling the emotions they are feeling.

7. Prevent Self-Isolation

As a parent it may be difficult to help your child cope with the loss of a loved one when you, too, are mourning. It is okay to let your child see that you are sad, which reassures them that they are not alone in feeling that way. Try to prevent yourself and your child from isolating yourselves from each other. Stay connected and share feelings to help get through this time.

8. Look out for changed behaviors

Some young children might regress and act immaturely compared to their baseline developmental level. These behaviors can present themselves as thumb-sucking, clinginess, irritability, tantrums and even bed wetting These changes in behavior can likely be a cause of suppressed feelings or frustrations. Allowing your child to express such emotions in a safe space will help to mitigate some of these regressions.

9. Seek Professional Help

In school-aged children, a common reaction to death may be a difficulty staying focused in schoolwork or even sleeping. If your child continues to struggle in keeping up with their normal routines such as school assignments and/or other daily activities, it may be helpful to reach out to professionals. It may also be helpful to seek out (virtual) peer support groups to help your child stay connected with other kids who may be experiencing a similar loss.

For more helpful resources in helping your child cope with death, check out the links below:

1. After a loved one Dies
2. Tips for Parents and Teachers to help children cope with loss
3. Supporting a Family after a Death of a Child
4. Grieving Resources for Teens

I hope this post was helpful. Please feel free to comment or leave questions in the chat box or directly to my email – madeha.ayub@seedsforspecialneeds.com.

Hope you are all staying safe. See you in my next post!